did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
