If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
