Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize