in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
