Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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