So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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