If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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