He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
