i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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