You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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