the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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