im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
