I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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