I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
