He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
