another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize