The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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