Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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