I'm so fucking centered right now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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