brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
