I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
