You smell like a Billy Joel song
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
