He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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