Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You are a genius and a whore.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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