that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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