Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize