There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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