i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
