Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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