I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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