I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
