They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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