You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
