You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
