Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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