just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
