Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize