you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm passing your future prison.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just invented taco cereal.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
