From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
