Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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