Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
