i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
