Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
