the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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