I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
