The best revenge is premature balding
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
