apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
