My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
