i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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