If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
