Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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