he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i think my cat just said my name.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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