She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Oh god it's open bar.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
