moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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