It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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