you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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