FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if only i could text you this smell
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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