what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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