What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You pole danced in your parka.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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