I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize