I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
